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Thank you for making clear what I should have. You verbalized the thought process that went into my post to Shado perfectly. How did you get into my head like that?

One thing I remind myself is that most people who do monstrous things on a regular basis (Gunner and Chimpy, f’example) don’t think of their actions that way. Pretty much everybody believes they are doing what’s best. Or, if they recognize that others would maybe not agree, they can still minimize their “guilt” in their own heads. Telling them they are bad — indeed, most forms of punishment — don’t rewire their brains for them. Interrupt their behavior, absolutely, name it for it is, but don’t count on that inducing a “corrective” form of guilt.

I think most folks who feel remorse, guilt, make a decision toward recovery are exercising a kind of judgment that is inherent (all of us are born with it, except in very rare instances of profound brain injury). But child abuse, in all its forms, has a direct impact on our judgment. I believe monsters are made, not born. Therein lies my optimism. Damaged judgment can be repaired. Or it can be reinforced, colluded with, added to the bad judgment of another/others and turn into a layer so thick it looks hopeless. It’s all usually incremental. And a question of resource.

let’s face it, when people share monstrosities that they carry — guilty secrets — most folks aren’t able to handle them and freak out, shame, them etc. the reaction they receive, shall we say, isn’t very helpful.

I tend to put myself in a position where I seem to be defending horrible people, as though I’m incapable of being horrified. maybe I’m coming to the defense of (hypothetical) horrible people, but I don’t think I condone their actions!! the breadth of human experience is fascinating to me and we all have our own capacity to process/use/transcend it. how many people out there have been given more than they can bear? I, personally, don’t believe that everyone is given the ability to deal with their experiences, perhaps because of the choices that they make? I really don’t know.

I agree with Deena that “we all need our places to vent.” I don’t think you need to tell your daughter that you shared her story here for a bunch of somewhat complicated reasons:

1. Consider if you had a “best friend” with whom you share everything that is happening in your life. That would be a private, confidential conversation. I know we are not that private or even that confidential, but still, this blog does serve as a confidant of sorts.

2. The knowledge that lots of others heard her story is not necessarily a useful thing to add to your daughter’s current load. I know this sounds like “I lied so I wouldn’t hurt you” but really it is different than that, given that we don’t know her name. Her story, however real and painful it is to you and her, is really only a story to people who don’t know her.

I do respect your sensitivity in realizing that sharing her story with us has some consequences, at least for your psyche. If it helps, look at it as support. For you to remain supportive of her, someone has to be supportive of you, and if talking it out helps, then it is a good thing.

I do relate to this situtation myself, because some of my family members have had some unfortunate things happen to them that I never talk about with anyone; partly because I have not fully come to terms with the issues, but also because it is a responsibility, carrying around someone else’s private information. For a mother, sometimes there is such a fine line between beneficial “breaking the silence” and outing someone else.

And I have to say that growing up Catholic and in a socially and politically conservative family, it is still a struggle to talk openly about a lot of issues that perhaps todays’ teenagers feel much more comfortable discussing. (or maybe not…)So I am still never sure whether my reticence is repression or perhaps just sensitivity.