classifieds, calendar listings
March 19th, 2008 | Uncategorized
Several people have mentioned doing classified ads for the fake Daily Distress, and calendar listings. I thought maybe the best way to collect those would be to have folks just post them right on here, as comments. Then they’d all be in one place.
I can’t promise books in exchange for these things, though—I’m reserving those for the ads & articles. But if you feel like sharing a classified ad idea or a calendar listing, post away here.
(when I get a chance I’ll try and round up all the ones people have emailed me and posted elsewhere on the blog. Most of them so far seem to be placed by Stuart!)
66 Responses to “classifieds, calendar listings”
Exclusively Kitties
Obedience Course: Learn to be more subservient to your cat(s), more prepared to cater to their needs/demands.
Tuesdays – 7pm to 8:30pm
(Come early to share stories about your cats and the adorable things that they do!)
Agility Training: Learn from an agility master! Exercises will include practice navigating through darkened boudoirs to twilit bathrooms without treading on delicate paws and tails and how to negotiate tile flooring, plush carpet and even stairways with a kitty between your legs… without breaking your collarbone!
Wednesdays – 7pm to 8:30pm
(if your cat is sweet and stealthy and you want to volunteer him/her for agility practice see Soozie before class.)
Cleo Baldshein, MSW
Psychotherapeutic Services
Pioneer of guerrilla therapy and specialising in:
• Lesbian bed death syndrome
• Abreactive appliance introjective syndrome
• Silly putty syndrome
Call 555-9292
Email: get-over-it@psycho.com
Toile for Two
LGBT Wedding Planners
Specialising in tuxes for Kings & Toile for Queens
His n’ Hers wedding dresses available
Receptions catered:
Omnivorous, carnivorous, localvorous,
Organic, macrobiotic, vegetarian, vegan and fair trade.
Visit our shop at Mary Daly and Dworkin
Ian, you’re ON FIRE! (The intersection of Daly and Dworkin is especially mind-sparking: A funeral home named Inter/Corpse, perhaps?)
And Aunt Soozie, Dinah likes your ad but sees it as a liberation statement, not humor.
Did she object to me implying that we could volunteer our cats to do something? anything?
Help! My cat’s litter box needs cleaning, the hummos is growing mold in the refrigerator, I haven’t shown up for work in three days, and my partner is starting to forget my first name. **** New support group forming for compulsive DTWOF bloggers. **** We can support each other’s need to parse politics, play with puns, dissect dykestowatchoutfor (character) defects, jolt the gender-binary, and pounce on pronouns. Email I-cant-turn-off-my-computer@weloveAB.com
For sale:
Hand-carved dildo racks
in wide choice of veneers: maple, oak, pine & cherry
For the guy or gal who has everything!
Email: got-wood@pleasurepit.com
Muddybutt Mountain Bike Festival committee meeting at the Community Center on Wednesday the 3rd at 6:30PM.
Call Miriam for details 555-3431
Queer Vegan Society meeting and potluck at the Co-Op on Thursday the 4th at 6:45. We’ll be discussing non-dairy cheese options. Contact Flora at 555-3333 or florafood@omnomnom.org
Acme Sperm bank calling for donors. Latino donors especially desired. Discretion guaranteed. Call Dr. Harry Palmer at 555-6900
Poetry Slam Festival at the Bandersnatch Gallery, Featuring Miko Tagoki, Anjali Kent, Beatrice Fairweather-Frend, Deirdre Trivelpiece and Biff. Friday the 5th-Saturday the 6th at the BG. Details at http://www.bandersnatchgallery.com
Omnomnom.org? Inspired, just inspired. I’m stealing it.
For Sale: 4 cases of homemade organic rhubarb wine
3 cases of organic parsnip/hyssop cordial
1 case of wormwood/mint jelly
10 cases of crabapple/rutabaga conserve {unsweetened}
Will consider barter for the following:
New or gently used gender neutral children’s clothing, natural/organic fiber only, made in USA preferred.
Gender neutral toys, NON PLASTIC. Educational based preferred. Wood or natural materials only. No dolls, no pretend homemaking items or anything that would assign stereotyped gender roles, no electronics or video games. Crafts are ok if they are not gender specific. Please, nothing made in China.
Gender neutral children’s books, preferably stories about children who are vegetarians and recycle.
Contact S.G. at 555-1212.
Polyamorous female in committed relationship with monogamous partner seeks same for extremely discreet fun. Please no stripes.
Let’s meet at la Lentille D’or and have a chocolate orgasm together.
Personal messages?
Craftygirl, I love how you’ve decoupaged my thighs. Let me help you take off that handsome yet bulky cable-knit turtleneck so you can tie me down on your 310 thread count sheets with the macrame wrist restraints.
Goodthing
For first and third Saturdays of the month….
Lois McGiver and the Dashing Daddies at Club L
$5 cover at the door, two rhubarb wine minimum
18 to party, 21 to drink, 35 to kvetch
http://www.club-l.com
http://www.dashingdaddies.com
Want to know what the future holds and the hidden secrets of your past? Psychic seer with active inner eye.
Past lifes.
Tarot reading
Crystal ball & tee leave reading
I will know when my services are needed and meet you then.
40 something bi-dykes-with-children-and-male-partners support group. Meeting the third Wednesday evening of every month at Java Jones, 5:30 PM. Children welcome, male partners strongly discouraged from attending. Interested? Contact Sparrow at desperatelyseekingsomethingelse@yahoo.com or just drop in!
total scream! y’all are killing me!!
Donor needed
Loving married couple with stable home seeks robust sperm to make our family even bigger, better, and more welcoming than it already is. Contact: bfarkasmclaughlin@hrc.org or lmclaughlinfarkas@hrc.org.
Dude, totally awesome closet hydroponix set fer sale. Foil lined, insulated, requires 1000 watt bulbs x2 (one included), looks like laundry hamper on the outside so yer mom(s)/dad(s) won’t know. Seller willing to go halfsies with you ’til I get my allowance back (you have to keep it at your house tho). email dakota@wasted.narc or join the “Friends of Raf’s” group on FarceBook.
Arabic lessons! Experienced teacher available to teach grammar, reading comprehension and conversational Arabic skills. Polymerase Chain Reaction, Molecular Analysis Techniques and knitting instruction also available. Contact Samia at samia5567@scienceu.biology.edu
Collectible card game cards! Pokémon, Magic:The Gathering, Hamtaro, Land of Freedom. Will trade for videogames or money. Prices subject to discussion. Good condition. Fresh mint. Some of them never used. Plenty of F-16s (from the Enduring Freedom set of “Land of Freedom”). Three copies of Impeachment! and gold-bordered Condoleezza Rice (also from “Land of Freedom”) Contact RaffiProSk8r at RaffiProSk8r@myspace.com
Women’s Center Prayer & Kabbulah Study Group Starting
Open your mind to the possibilities. Let the dross of daily life drift away as you Focus on the Eternal “I-Am”. Meet Rabbi Sonya “Sunnie” Rothman & the Rev Abigail Newblood at St Martha of Bethany Episcopal Church at 7pm Fridays for this exciting exploration of the spirit world.
Gah – meant to have:
Women’s Centering Prayer & Kabbulah Study Group Starting
Open your mind to the possibilities. Let the dross of daily life drift away as you Focus on the Eternal “I-Am”. Meet Rabbi Sonya “Sunnie” Rothman & the Rev Abigail Newblood at St Martha of Bethany Episcopal Church at 7pm Fridays for this exciting exploration of the spirit world.
BIBLIOPHILES
Love books? Bunns & Noodle is now hiring literate, well-read people. BA in Literature preferred. Up to $9/hr, no medical. Contact the Bunns & Noodle store in YOUR AREA.
this might be too risque, but
M4F with a couple of twists
Handsome goateed gay trans man, very dexterous, seeks studly butch for mutual gender exploration and play. Has plenty of spirit gum remover, but bring your own clippings. Especially interested in team sport role play–let’s explore the replica locker room I built in my basement, complete with crowded wall o’ shower heads. I’m a towel-butt-snapping top.
Reply to: 444959596.personals@gregslist.org
Women’s whining circle meets weekly (as therapy appointments allow). Call the library reference desk for more information.
Darn! MC, I was thinking that maybe a classified ad by a less sympathetic fake business might be in order, for example, a Bunns & Noodle employment ad. However, every time I’ve tried to post it, it disappears into the ether.
Fabian, I’m so glad you did a used toy thing for Raffi. I was thinking of that, but have not been up on the rapidly moving technological toy scene lately.
WTB: Decent brain, monkey or other simian would be fine.
This pea just isn’t working out for me. Reply: Da Big Guy,
1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington, DC.
The Cat Pimp: Thank you! I just thought that Raffi would be quick to jump into the old-toys-for-money scene. 🙂
HAA! Brilliant!
Are you tired of saying no when all you want to do is to be screaming YES! YES! YES! OMG YES! Then you need the all new, handy dandy, lesbian tested and approved Hummmmmers. What this product does for you is let you choose you doner for that wonderful new bundle of joy that you and your partner have been wanting for-EVER but you keep getting info that makes you look and go ‘Hummm. Next!’
What Hummmmmers can do for you is help choose a doner from a vast aray of prime choice candidates so you can get sick and fat sooner than later. Visit us anytime at Hummmmmers4u.com
Im not saying pregnant wimin are fat as a matter of fact I think they are most sexy at that stage when they really start showing their bump.
Gays and Lesbians with M.S. support group forming.
A place for m.s’ers and their partners.
We’ll let your partners know that you are not just lazy or making it up! Handicapped accessible.
Contact Thea at Little Artists Preschool.
555-5624
Dear Unctuous Isthmus,
Syzygy in the orchard? Pick-your-own beneath my dirndl—it’s very therapeutic.
Signed, your ready, ripe, and thoroughly paroxysmic Anti-Macassar
W4W
Me: Pony-tail, glasses, high-minded patriot, Christian, recent college grad contemplating career with the government. You: Republican, like to debate, understand the value of saving sex for marriage, think Donald Rumsfeld got a bad rap. I’m new to being gay. Can you be the right(-wing) girl to show me the ropes? ciawannabe@yahoo.com
For Sale: Approximately 83 lightly worn striped shirts of all shapes and colors. Take the whole lot for 20 bucks (valued at 200). Must be picked up by Sunday at 5 before my girlfriend gets home from work. Email me at babytryplaid@sidmo.com.
GLM seeks gym partner for spotting. Must be able to bench a minimum of 120 lbs. Bring your six pack (or champagne). Email Carlos: besamemucho@hunkadunka.net
R Yr Rents Hypocrites? Do they lecture you about responsibility, but do whatever their little hormones tell them? Do they make you come home by 9, but act like client #9? We can help. At Stellaraf Consulting, we offer surveillance-based parental control systems that will get them back in line faster than you can say “Heel!”. Connect to http://www.stellaraf.com for contact info and samples of our past work.
Now if this many people would ACTUALLY place classifieds and display ads in their local homo rags, the homo rags would be a lot better off. We’d be able to pay more for our weekly comic strips.
Christine (bitterbutter) Hahn
Art Director
Gay People’s Chronicle
Ohio’s weekly newspaper for the LGBT community.
Hey George Gordon. Did Professor Jerkovski tell you that using your poems to wrap fish would be an insult to the fish? Did he say your criticism was indistinguishable from what you’d get by using printer paper to line a bird cage? Is that why you’re delivering pizza now? Exquisite vengeance could be yours. Arise! ye Goth, and glut your ire! Email Jennifer@naughtyfacultywives.org.
Sold Out: Community ideals, political integrity, and “pride” to beer companies, investment advisers, and base commercial interests. Wake to be held third Sunday in June.
Well, Christine actually I DO have a hydroponix set for sale if ya wanna make me an offer… (you’re responsible for the cross-boarder transport though…) 😉
Learning to be be more subservient to your cat! Cleo Baldshein, hand-carved dildo racks, Professor Jerkovski, the replica locker room! And that freakin’ rhubarb wine!
Thank you everyone, for lending your exquisitely twisted minds to the Daily Distress Classifieds!
I’m paroxysmic.
For Sale: A Blonde Chisel, Banished Cello, Bleached Lions, Labeled Chinos, Headline Blocs, Deniable Lochs. If interested, contact Cleo Baldshein.
Oh, June. (ecstatic sigh) Or is your real name Anna Graham?
Omnomnom.org – Arguably the funniest thing I have seen associated with DTWOF! Certainly no lower than 2nd place! Thunderous applause for the Cat Pimp! 🙂
Inner Child, Meet Biological Child
Don’t let parenthood be a barrier to self-actualization! The demands of a new baby can lay waste to your therapy goals — but how can you parent effectively when your own inner child is crying? Come join us to discuss ways to protect your inner child from the sibling rivalry she feels for your offspring. MW&F 7-9:30 PM, Northern Star Community Center, Margaret Paul room.
40ish lesbian, meat-eater, smoker, new to town. Looking for non-judgmental friends.
clulsnuby@mymail.com
YOUR WORD AGAINST MINE
Join the Word Nerds every friday evening at JavaJones for hot Scrabble action. Bring your own Scrabble Dictionary– “If it’s not in there, you can’t use it!”
Spotted: Corner of Daly and Fulbright: Hot 40 something dyke dropping off her Y’All Haul. New to town? Need someone to show you around? Me: at the bus stop drooling as you sexily lit your smoke. Can I take you for a burger? Breakfast? Dinner then breakfast? Reply to my box: lentlsrnuts@mymail.com
Plain State Women’s Leadership Seminar Series welcomes Martha Stewart “How to Turn your Passion into a Business and Vice-Versa,” introduced by Dr. Sydney Krukowski (Womens Studies). Wednesday 7pm, Student Activities Building Auditorium. Pre-seminar hands-on workshop “Macrame, Antimacassars, Decoupage (MAD)” with head librarian Mo Testa at 4pm, SAB 304. Space is limited. Contact mad@craftygirl.com to reserve.
KVETCHERS! Feel as though your girfriend/s.o. is worn out on your world-weary witticisms? Have a hard time hearing hortative hosannas? Learn to overcome your urge towards overbearing oration and co-operate at conversation without compromising your convictions or companionship.
Contact: On and On and On Anon, meeting weekly, Thursday nights at 7, basement of the Unitarian Universalist Church.
I wish this existed so I could send my s.o. Talk abotu tired of the tirade! In fact, I could add that…
KVETCHERS! Feel as though your girfriend/s.o. is worn out on your world-weary witticisms? Is your truelove tiring of tirades? Learn to overcome your urge towards overbearing oration and co-operate at conversation without compromising your convictions or companionship.
Contact: On and On and On Anon, meeting weekly, Thursday nights at 7, basement of the Unitarian Universalist Church.
On and on and on Anon!!!! Oh, if only!!! There are a fair few peeps who I really wish I could send to something like that.
Classified ads
I imagined the 1st ad below with a “photo” of Harriet as a baby dyke on top. I used Nat’l Coming Out Day as the occasion because of the fall pub. date.
“Imagine Our Surprise”
When right before our eyes
stood YOU, cute baby dyke!
Now we’re “filling up and
spilling over” with pride !
HAPPY NAT’L COMING OUT DAY
HARRIET, from Suzanne & Jerry.
SEEKING
Documentary filmmaker, looking for old photos, letters, video footage, copies of newspapers and fliers documenting the beginnings of local bookstore Madwimmin Books. Contact: Malika@Viewfinders.org.
Seeking to interview anyone who was inspired by, or took Poli Sci 257 from Jerome Dixon, political science professor at Plain State U, for my book in progress: Life of a Black Activist. Lorraine Lincoln, LorLinc@shemail.com.
Searching for Lesberado Witch, we kissed at 1987 March on Washington, then you left town in a Winnebago. I had short hair and wore old WAP March T-shirt. Had a dream about you! Please call Cabby: 648-4617.
I’m looking for members of the Maple Street LGB Baby Group during 1983 to interview for my anthropology project: Coming of Age in an LGB Culture. Please contact Eli RogerDon@PSU.edu Thanks !
ANTIQUES/COLLECTIBLES
Genuine Authentic 1998 Light Saber. Call Raffi (*** Toni’s phone)
Own a piece of herstory ! Vintage ! Beautiful, flannel-dyke-built bookshelves and store counter. All wood, handmade. Jezzanna (*** Jezanna’s phone)
Extra woks, all sizes. Have too many ! Call: Sparrow (******)
Valuable collection of early silicone flutes. Lois (****)
FOR SALE
ACME car seat, fits age 3-6, works great in 1993 Vulva wagons. Also Baby’s Busy Box, 14 years old, chipped, still works. Also FREE: old pots & pans, make good baby toys. Call Toni (*** Toni’s phone)
Yard Sale ! Baby clothes, maternity wear, breast pump and feeding pillow, old Star Trek and Murphy Brown tapes, Books on job hunting, 2 like-new men’s suits (perfect for job interviews), electric razor set, still in box, never used. FREE: Paint, misc. remodeling supplies. CompuQ computer, printer, all cables. Old Good Vibrations catalogues. LP’s, including: Joan Armatrading, Holly Near, Dolly Parton. Starts 9 a.m.Saturday, at *** (Sparrow’s address).
Bargain Books, some virtually new. Complete series of Rod n Axel. Display copies: Our Booties Ourselves, Simps ‘n Pimps, CoDependent For Sure, Laying Blame, Cherry Aimless, Mardi Gras Nurse, Her tongue on my Dissertation. Coffeetablebooks: Armpits, Rod ‘n Axel. AND MANY MORE !! Plus FREE copies of Poems From the Poetry SLAM. At Jezanna’s house, this Sunday afternoon.
NCR Cash register, wall clock, display case, misc. retail shop supplies.n Call Jezanna (****)
SERVICES
Krakatoa Insurance Company
Chakra Balancing, Aura Balancing, Reiki and Tax Prep. Awakenings at the Community Bld.
Pestbusters. Roach special all November !! 595-4857
Rolfing for Pets 887-4250
Website design by and for radical lesbians 887-4250
Beatrice Buell Shamanic Drumming Rituals for Rich Suburbanites (see my website).
CLASSES
Kundalini Yoga, at The Yoga Place, Room 260, Community Bld.
Spinning classes at Spin Cycle. Beginners’ class: Every FRI 7pm. Community Bld.
GROUPS
Polyamory Book Club Contact Octavia: 729-4352
Gay-Straight Alliance Contact Sophie Soph4gsa@ shemail.com
Happy houseman wants to form baby/sewing circle group. 1st meeting, Nov. 1st. Serving season-sensitive refreshments. Possible ritual/improv? For more information, call Stewart at ******
Queer Bingo. Meets every Wed. 7 PM Community Bld.
Pre-menstrual support group. Mondays, 8 pm at the Community Bld.
Peri-menstrual support group. Tuesdays, 7:30 pm at the Community Bld.
Post-menstrual support group. Wednesdays 7 pm at the Community Bld.
BiNET USA discussion group LIVE on the internet. email naomi@ or Dan@ BiNETUSA.org
EVENTS IN THE COMMUNITY
Free film showing and discussion led by filmmaker Malika Fastfor, featuring her early documentary “Cummunity: From Womonorgasming to Wimminbirthing. An intimate herstory. Sat. 7 p.m., Community Bld 2nd Floor.
Talk: 7 p.m. Tues. at the Community Bld. Professor Ginger **** will speak on The Influence of the Oral Tradition in Contemporary Fiction by Black Women. Refreshments after.
Talk: 7 p.m. Friday at the Community Bld. Professor Ginger **** will give a talk Interviewing a Community/Interviewing Friends: Archival Interviews for Lesbian Herstory.
Reunion: Area affinity groups at the 2nd W’s Pentagon Action (Nov. 1981). 774-5213.
Reunion: Lesbian Avengers annual reunion party. Time and place TBA.
Reunion Tour !! The Wallflower Order Dance Troupe, performing radical theater and movement pieces, old and new.
Reunion: Couples who were married at the ’87 March on Washington. Time and date TBA.
I have some EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES ads, too but I’m at the deadline.
Correction: That Rod ‘n Axel collection in Jezanna’s books for sale is actually Bob N Rod. I have the page #s for all the references if needed. I have a couple more FOR SALE listings:
Little Mermaid costume, Just right for Halloween! Fits 2-3 year old. Mint condition. Call Shakti at 645-2289.
Baseball mit, many books about snakes. Raffi (*** Toni’s number).
That’s it. I have to say that I don’t feel completely at ease about selling off the characters’ possessions w/o their permission–especially Raffi’s light saber.
CORRECTION
jeez, another correction to the above. Under GROUPS, the BiNet USA contacts are Naomi and David (not Dan). Also, under SEEKING, the last entry, the contact is Eli at EliRogerDon.PSU.edu (Eli is the 5 yr old son of Roger and ? in the baby group Toni and C visit–so I made up his last name out of the Dads’ names.
I can give page #s for the germ of ‘DTWOF reality’ in pretty much all of these classifieds, if asked. And, Thanks for the good time !
A few more I was thinking about before I saw the deadline yesterday:
SERVICES
Have you been the victim of a REGRETTABLE HAIRCUT? Let’s talk ! Call 1-800-SOSUEME Legal Services.
Psychic Services by Sheila. Now offering OVT, Opposite Visualization Technique. 14 Walnut.
EVENTS
Lesbian Health Collective — Annual Benefit Dance ! Next Saturday, starts at 8:30. Community Building 2nd Floor. Still only 7 Bucks !
Whenever I see “kundalini”, I think of Digger going bark bark bark bark.
yikes there’s one more that I forgot, because I couldn’t come up with a worthy name. — an ad under services for a babysitting service by Janis. Don’t feel right about leaving her out. maybe: Over the Rainbow Babysitting Service or, what ?
thx -Aleta
Lara just emailed this entry, so I’m putting it here with all the other classifieds:
Tall, blond, Voluptuous (34DDD) femme looking for butch with truck and dog interested in hikes in the forest, movie rentals, women’s tea dances, and moving all my furniture to my new apartment for me. Call 413-555-0800, ask for ZiZi.
Alataleta, my jaw is on the floor.
Kinda late, but I’m submitting it anyway.
Wimmin seeking Womyn
Recently divorced “lesbian dad” seeks SF interested in environmental justice, adult contemporary music and sharing quiet romantic evenings at home (yours) with (non-rhubarb) wine. Must be an Obama* supporter and have your own place. savemefrommylife@gmale.com
* or Hillary, depending on how you see Clarice’s position
English as a Second Language
New ESL classes forming. Learn English through intensive, top-down instruction. Classes meet Tuesday & Thursday noon-4pm. Additional hands-on instruction at the Food Co-op, Sundays at 10am. Call Jezanna Ramsey at 555-1212.
[Message repeats in Somali – can someone help translate?]
Under EVENTS IN THE COMMUNITY
Talk: 7 p. m. this Wed. at the Y. Beatrice Buell will give a talk, “Reaching Out to a Community in Need: Teaching Shamanic Drumming Rituals to Rich Suburbanites.” $10 at the door. Bring your own chair.
Lost: One sock. Grey, part of pair. Last seen near dryer. Reward.