Holy X-acto knife, Batman

March 17th, 2008 | Uncategorized

daily distress masthead

So many ads and articles are flying at me for this fake issue of The Daily Distress, I’m having flashbacks to my early days as a pre-digital era newspaper production manager. I swear I can smell hot wax. You people! Thank you all so much!

Okay, things are starting to get hard to keep track of. So I’ve decided to post stuff here as it comes in. I’m creating pages, one for articles and one for the ads.

Hey, Iara’s idea about classifieds is brilliant! I hope people will feel free to send those in! Employment, announcements, for sale, personals!

89 Responses to “Holy X-acto knife, Batman”

  1. Ellen O. says:

    Yow. The power of the internet. Loved that ad Colino.

    As far as ad styles, I guess you have to decide whether you want the ads to feel “real’ or be funny, or depict the feel of a small down newspaper before photoshop and Quark changed everything.

    Yow again.

  2. The Cat Pimp says:

    I wish I had Photoshop. I could have a field day, LOL.

  3. AndreaC says:

    Wow, this oughta teach me not to check blogs on weekends. Everything’s taken, but I’m going to try for something!!! If you’re not all done with everything by the time I get home from work today.

  4. sk in london says:

    oh my god, hilarious!
    this is so hilarious!

    fantastic contributions, the articles! the adverts!…. you are all so creative, and FAST!

    feeling too English to contribute, but enjoying the surge of creativity and AB’s mad gathering of it all.

    what a community:-0

  5. What a community indeed.

    I’ll add new material to the top of the “articles” and “ads” pages as it comes in, and alert you here to updates.

    I just added an ad from June, and an article from Ellen O. Check ’em out!

  6. Colino says:

    thanks Helen O. All I see now is that I should have taken a little more time…
    @ The Cat Pimp:
    You don’t absolutely need Photoshop actually; for this kind of thing The Gimp is more than good enough. It’s open source, free, etc…

  7. aletaleta says:

    It’s a tad hard to read, but Maple Avenue Co Op appears to be on the glass in the dawn scene after Raffi’s birth (in Spawn).

  8. The Cat Pimp says:

    Thanks for the tip about gimp, Colino.

  9. pd says:

    For a FREE alternative to Photoshop, try http://www.gimp.org. There are even massive books at Bunn and Noodle on how to use it, plus huge PDF documentation. It even runs on Linux as well as Windoze.

  10. Suz says:

    Oh, wow, it’s all so great. June’s stripes ad made me scream.

  11. Maggie Jochild says:

    Some of the ads need to be clicked on to see the supporting text, so don’t forget to do that, readers.

    Also, I can’t remember who wrote the Madwimmin article, but it would not be referred to by them as a “gay” bookstore, it’s a women’s bookstore (or wimmin’s). Even if you want to emphasize that it sells queer literature, from that era they’d call themselves, at best, a lesbian/gay bookstore. It’s a generational thing and needs to be honored, especially since it passed on.

  12. pd says:

    Drat, I should have kept reading – two recs for Gimp.

    Ha! “benthic tempeh tuna”

  13. New ad up. Mark’s for Java Jones.

  14. Thanks for the input, Maggie. I wish this was set up as a wiki thingamabob, so people could edit one another at will.

    On the other hand, maybe not.

  15. New article up! Ksbel on lady porkies.

  16. June says:

    I love the Porkies piece. When I followed the Husky women of the UW–and how I loved that they were officially “the Husky women”–I particularly enjoyed hearing the foreign-born players acquire new vocabulary over the years. I can still hear the lovely Katia Foucarde, a Frenchie, tell the post-game radio interviewer, “Ah took good care of ze rrock. Our D was rilly taht.”

    (I’m going to recast my piece about La Lentille d’Or to be more of a feature, so it won’t clash with Elain’s fabulous review.)

  17. Maggie Jochild says:

    I just read Elaine’s delightfully restrained review of La Lentille D’Or, and am in stitches. From the “sulphurous bite” of the raw brussel sprouts to the “lighter than air” pizza — perfect, capturing both the turgid prose of food porn AND the pitfalls of fanatical but uneducated vegan cuisine. Bravo.

  18. The Cat Pimp says:

    (Bowing) I just threw Alison an article about Raffi getting in trouble for posting that an administrator was a “tool” on “MyFace”. I added that the school board meeting was “packed”. Cough. Its pretty short and could fill a gap, if needed.

    Adding to the virtual hugfest, Ellen’s article with all of the deliberate misspellings and snark and obscure book titles made me just SWOON. Want to talk about a sulfurous bite. And bless you, June, for sharing with me. Your article was definitely a dishy expose by the local business editor or health inspector. Alison, if you take mine, do change the copy to match that of the lovely “spoons” advertisement.

    I really should be working right now, but this is too fun.

  19. Your piece is up, Cat Pimp! Also Ali’s ad for AC/DC!

  20. Deborah says:

    This is all so much fun.
    Brava/o to all.

  21. Raffi says:

    I am working on an ad for AC/DC. Do you still want it?

  22. Dale says:

    Did you get my “review” on Lois’ show?

  23. The Cat Pimp says:

    So, AB, think you’ll meet your deadline? 🙂

  24. Jana C.H. says:

    I LOVE Letitia as Zeus! I guess the Old Thunderer has retired to spend his golden years with Ganymede, and has handed over his position to the younger generation. And all this time Apollo thought he was going to get the job with his nuclear missiles.

    Jana C.H.
    Saith Homer: ????? ????? ??? ???????? ????????!

  25. Dale!
    I found your review in my spam filter! I happened to find another piece there earlier today just by chance. Thanks for the heads up. Your review is great! I just added it to the “articles” page.

    Also, Matt just sent in an AWESOME ad for June’s business. Check it out on the “ads” page.

  26. Maggie Jochild says:

    “Because every business needs clarity.” Laughing hysterically!

  27. The Cat Pimp says:

    Alison, I think you credited me for Ali’s ad on your flickr account.

  28. um, did I mention you folks are frickin’ amazing?

  29. Deena in OR says:

    Alison-is the Distress more along the lines of the 10% Tribune? Or is it more MSM? It might affect how I construct the ad…

  30. It’s MSM, Deena! THanks fer askin!

  31. Deena in OR says:

    Or is it Sweet Potato/City Pages type? All are different, although overlapping demographics, to be sure.

  32. Wutever!

    Cat Pimp, I’m not sure what you mean about the miscrediting…it looks right to me.

    but god knows I’m getting pretty confused by this point.

  33. Cate says:

    Oh, these are soooo good. I loved the Lentille d’or positioning itself as the place to break up. Ha!

  34. Montrealais says:

    It rawks to see everyone’s contributions!

    Two quick nitpicks: Jezanna’s last name is Ramsey, as discussed in the previous entry. As for Sparrow, her dad’s last name is established as Pidgeon (funnily enough) in the last bonus story. Not sure if she uses that name, but I’d think if she didn’t, it would be something a bit more … granola-y.

  35. cybercita says:

    i’m just in awe at how delightfully funny a lot of the contributions are! ellen orleans and june, i am shrieking with laughter.

  36. The Cat Pimp says:

    AB – The incorrect credit for the ad is on http://dykestowatchoutfor.com/ads-for-tabloid/

    I thought it was the flickr account, but I had a brain fart.

  37. shadocat says:

    As my books are all packed away (due to a recent move) I thought I’d write to see if one of my sister or brother bloggers could help. Does anyone remember “Milkweed”, a temporary houseguest from of few years back? Did she have a last name? I’m thinking she should have some sort of business to advertise (maybe a B&B?)

  38. Maggie Jochild says:

    Aunt Soozie and/or whoever are creating ads for feminist therapists, I think you should include text which indicates you can help reconcile the “Barack/Hillary divide” destroying so many relationships.

  39. Klepsydra says:

    Was it not Milkweed Moongarden?

    Hehhehheh. I remember her.

  40. shadocat says:

    thanks Klepsydra!

  41. Brrnrrd says:

    …But this newspaper has no bi-monthly strip giving fictitious readers an hilarious and eerily coherent insight in to the contemporary lesbian multiverse… Oh, *Please* can I do it?

  42. Ali says:

    Oh no! I just realized I forgot to put in any contact info for AC/DC. Sorry! Should I fix it and resend?

    Raffi –
    I’m sorry — I didn’t see your dibs on AC/DC before I had my version pretty much ready.
    It’s fun to see what different people come up with, though.

  43. LJR says:

    I just submitted something… a little bit ridiculous. But hey, newspapers run human interest stories all the time. In lieu of actual news.

  44. Okay! June re-wrote her Lentille D’Or review as a feature, so hopefully we can use both that and the Cat Pimp’s review.

    Larissa just sent in a fluff piece about “A Different Kind of Fatherhood.”

    And there’s a new ad up—Corwin’s full page ad from the Characters’ Union!

  45. Dale says:

    Woohoo! This is so cool! All those months of hanging out at the drag shows has finally paid off!
    And by the way – YOU are frickin’ amazing, Alison! High five!

  46. Susan Dampf says:

    I’d love to put in a classified ad that really could exist.
    Actually, we are trying to get this going in Los Angeles.
    I think it would be great to have it in the DD.
    GLAMS Gay and Lesbians Against Multiple Sclerosis
    Support Group for GBLT MSers and their partners.
    Contact Thea at Little Heart’s Art Pre-School

  47. Liza Cowan says:

    All the writing is hysterically funny and spot on. The whole concept is hysterically funny and spot on.

  48. Granola Grrl says:

    When Jezanna changed her name from Alberta Ramsay, for the first name, she picked the name for the moon to the Mashona people of Zimbabwe. Whence, therefore, Jenkins (per the interview)?

  49. ready2agitate says:

    Ho Corwin – awesome!!! Bwa-har-ha!!! (That ones’ my new fave! — not too insider, I don’t think).

    I guess since it’s a MSM rag, you can’t quite include a “poetry corner,” but if you could, you could reprint Mothra’s & Debs’ stellar rhymes (which are pure gold). Or, there could be (I could write) a news article about a local poetry non-contest that features Debs and Mothra as non-winners (er, losers?) Heh.

  50. AndreaC says:

    I made my own take on a Rainbow Automotive ad and emailed it to you, so if you don’t see it, check your spam box. 🙂

  51. AndreaC says:

    @Brrnrrd — THAT IS A HYSTERICAL IDEA! So very meta. I think that in the comic strip characters’ paper, perhaps your strip should be photos of real people? Heee!

  52. The Cat Pimp says:

    Thinking of poetry, it’d be fun to have a brief ad where Dierdre Trivelpiece hosts a poetry slam and Buns and Noodles…

    (Y’all remember that trainwreck of a poet?)

  53. Maggie Jochild says:

    Oh, Cat Pimp, yes! — Dierdre’s latest chapbook could be named “Smegma and Endometrium — Essential Rants”. Written while she was at Breastloaf Writer’s Workshop.

  54. Juliet says:

    I’m having so much fun just watching this whole thing unfold. Ellen, your piece about Betsy Gilhooly has had me crying with laughter over my Cornflakes.

    As a grad student of Women’s Studies/Sociology and, more specifically midwifery, things seem to be intersecting with my life a number of curious ways.

    And as for ‘purveyors of horizontal haberdashery since 1983’….

    ahhhhhh I love you all.


  55. Fabian Alvarez says:

    I just sent you an ad for Pillzapoppin’ Pharmacy.

  56. Fabian Alvarez says:

    I just sent you an article on Madwimmin closing.

  57. AndreaC says:

    TIMELINES… If this paper comes out around the time Madwimmin is closing, that was several years ago, yes? So Mo wasn’t a librarian yet, as referenced in one story, and JR wouldn’t have been nearly 5 years old.

    If we want to make it contemporary, the madwimmin story/stories could change to an anniversary-of-madwimmin-closing thing but that seems unlikely for the MSM to do.

    Also, I think therapist ads referencing the Hillary/Barack thing as someone mentioned, while super-funny today, would be problematic if this is supposed to be an issue from several years ago, and would also be problematic if this newspaper is going to be printed more than a month or two from now — one or the other of them could cease to run, y’know?

  58. rebeccawire says:

    Those adds are so fantastic! June’s business may actually get orders, and the scary thing is she might even deliver. Vaporware economics – maybe that’s what Sydney should be studying instead of miniature golf.

    The Betsy Gilhooly story is so hysterical, as is the foliage in the midwife ad.

    Good luck with the final project! If you decide you want a union carbuncle story and nobody else jumps to, make the strips available and we’ll see what we can do (you may be lazy enough to make us do the work, but we’re also lazy enough to get you to do the research)

    Happy post St Patrick’s Day. -rebecca

  59. Jana C.H. says:

    I’m still working on Miriam’s ad, but due to computer problems It won’t be completed until this weekend. I haven’t forgotten!

    Jana C.H.
    Saith Floss Forbes: If you don’t know the tune, sing tenor.

  60. iara says:

    Good point AndreaC, I was also wondering about that. I’ve been thinking about an ad for online degrees at Buffalo Lake State College, but maybe it is too early for that.

  61. AndreaC says:

    No, I think online degrees are fair game for that time frame still.

  62. AndreaC says:

    Hmmm, and in further nitpicking news, wouldn’t the name of Lois’s drag king troupe use the name Louis for her since that’s her drag king name?

  63. iara says:

    Hey, for all the people who have been separated from their dtwof books or who need access to electronic version of the strip, you can find on Planetout the strips between 303 and 480:

    Alison has put in some links to some of these when she described the type of contributions she is looking for.

    – which takes you to where the strip archive begins on this website.
    Maybe most people already knew this, but it seems some of us had missed it.

  64. The Cat Pimp says:

    Normally collaboration with a group of people is sheer hell, but I’ve been having so much fun participating and watching this all unfold.

  65. Wow, AndreaC. I’m in awe of your firm grip on the temporal parameters of this project. That had been troubling me a bit too, but I decided to stop worrying about it—I think a little haziness on dates will be fine for the purposes of this thing.

    Sorry I disappeared this morning—I was trying to get some writing done. But I just updated the ads page with SIX new pieces. And there’s one new article up too.

  66. Oh, and AndreaC? Your Rainbow Automotive ad rocks!!!

  67. Aunt Soozie says:

    Yeah… I love it…

  68. Aunt Soozie says:

    Here in NJ we have a vet that specializes in cats only…
    She might want to place an ad… well, her imaginary alter ego that is….
    I was thinking she might offer some classes…
    Obedience Training:
    learning to be more attentive to your cats needs
    Agility Training:
    how to walk down stairs with a kitten between your feet without falling and breaking your collar bone.

  69. AndreaC says:

    Why thank you, Alison & Aunt Soozie! 😀 This project is such a cool idea! I can’t wait for the finished product…

  70. Aunt Soozie says:

    Obsessive DTWOF readers,
    I was thinking there was a recent episode with Mo getting her haircut but that was Alison getting HER haircut in her sketch blog. I’m working on an ad for Miko’s Chop Shop… anyone know, just off the top of your OCD head, if there is an episode that shows the shop or someone getting a haircut? I can’t think of one myself….

  71. --MC says:

    Aunt S., yes. In the series where Lois is wondering whether or not to date Jezanna’s friend .. what’s her name, I was just reading that book (makes spinning gesture around head with hands) .. memory going, I can feel it, Dave .. anyway, there’s one episode where Lois is getting her hair cut by Miko and the woman walks in. It’s like in the third book —

  72. b. says:

    new ads please!! ;oD ha this is fun!

  73. C. H. says:

    Hello, I created the Union Ad, and I just felt that it needed some kind of logo for the union. Also, I didn’t notice the height guidelines, and since my idea was for a “full-page” ad, I don’t know if it can conform with the guidelines. Sorry and Thank you.

  74. Fabian Alvarez says:

    Aunt S: The strip MC is speaking about is number 63. We see Miko cutting Lois’ hair. It’s indeed in book number three (New and Improved Dykes to Watch Out For).

  75. Sophie says:

    I’m following this like the live, online, real-time collective blast it is. I wish I had the time and energy to contribute (a midwife or café ad). But that’s the beauty of collective creation: it’s great just the way it is. The “my sister’s closet” ad is, like, sooooo funny!

    Is there any way I can get a copy of the finished tabloid in Montreal?

  76. Nickel Joey says:

    Aunt Soozie: There’s also the option of using a pair of illustrations for a “before and after” effect. I’ve always thought that Toni’s tonsorial transformation a few years ago was a stunning one.

  77. Suz says:

    Aunt Soozie–Instead of the Cat Doctor, why not the Kitty Doctor– serving felines and women.

  78. Fabian Alvarez says:

    Alison: I just sent you an ad for Scorpio Adult Novelties, an obscure company I found in episode #322. It was too tempting to let it pass.

  79. The Cat Pimp says:

    We need a dog training school ad with the panel showing Anubis jumping on Ginger when they first met. ( I did my bit with the two articles – the gimpologists can take over from here :))

  80. b. says:

    uh… what happened to the ad for the classifies section i just posted, the ‘dykes with stripes’? wrong posting? or anything…?

  81. hi folks! ™ ˜ew ads ¨? ¨??sorry, cat’s head on keyboard. I meant to say, 2 new ads up, and one article.

  82. Aunt Soozie says:

    It’s so tempting to use other terminology for cats but I resist!

    I was thinking of a before and after but I think I’m going to try to use another character instead of Toni… (give someone else a makeover!)
    Hope to get it to Alison by tomorrow!

  83. The Cat Pimp says:

    I think we need an ad for Y’All Haul featuring Albert’s feisty girlfriend!

  84. bcgal says:

    Holly, loved the My Sister’s Closet ad, and just wanted to let you know that there’s a real My Sister’s Closet in Vancouver. It’s a community thrift store run by Battered Women Support Services. Revenues from the store go to supporting battered women, and women survivors of violence can get free clothing and household goods from the store. It’s also serves as a first point of contact for women dealing with violence in their lives to access programs and services. Which is all just to say that I love the way this strip and reality intersect.

  85. The Cat Pimp says:

    Hey gimpsters? I could use some help. I am making adverts for things, but they are coming out really small. The program says the window is 4 X 4 inches, but I took a ruler out and the image is 2 3/4 inches. I have it zoomed at 100%. I uploaded one to my flickr account (the ones in AB’s appear 5 inches wide), and it is still beentsy. Any ideas? Is it my monitor?

  86. iara says:

    Cat Pimp, I think it is your monitor, same thing was happening to me (around the same time last night, too!). Try printing it and then you can adjust. Simplest way is paste it on a Word document and then stretch to fit the size you want.

  87. AndreaC says:

    Cat Pimp, it’s probably your monitor resolution. If the program says it’s 4 inches, just make sure you have a high enough DPI to print nicely at that size (at least 300 in my humble opinion) and you’ll probably be OK. 72 dpi is fine for something to go on the web but would be too pixellated when printed.

    Another free program option is InkScape, which is to Illustrator as Gimp is to Photoshop. It makes scalable vector drawings, in other words. That’s what I used for Rainbow Auto.

  88. The Cat Pimp says:

    I asked in my livejournal and got the precise same answer. I will attempt to redo the ads. Thanks, peeps.